body language
Hi ,
You might be surprised to learn that
one of the biggest problems people have in using their body language effectively is guilt.
Inappropriate guilt is one of the
more powerful feelings which can
negatively influence our body language.
You see, it can make us feel that we don't DESERVE the outcome we desire.
It can make us unconsciously sabotage
our body language so we don't get what
we want!!
, Guilt is a killer for
people trying to master body language.
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HAVE YOU LOOKD YET???
"Conversational hypnosis will greatly
enhance your ability to use body language!"
http://www.AllAboutBodyLanguage.com/BLIANC.php* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *
The key to letting go of guilt is somewhat
surprising and very counterintuitive. It first
involves acknowledging that guilt plays
a healthy and vital role in human functioning!
You see, to let go of guilt you must first
be able to to distinguish inappropriate from
appropriate guilt!!
Only once we understand this can
we truly purge ourselves of NEUROTIC GUILT,
and change our behaviors so we can let
go of APPROPRIATE GUILT.
I sometimes think about about neurotic
guilt as the perception of a "'blemished soul", in
contrast to normal, healthy guilt which is
only intended to get us to behave differently,
and should dissolve quickly once that happens.
Appropriate Vs. Inappropriate Guilt
There's an interesting problem
attached to relieving inappropriate
guilt. People mistakenly attempt to
get rid of ALL guilt, failing to recognize
that certain types of guilt are necessary
for healthy psychological functioning.
Guilt evolved in human consciousness
to play a vital role in our society, and it
is the DISTORTION of this role which
needs to be eliminated, NOT guilt in
its entirety.
Our psyches are prone to "fight back"
as we attempt to pry all of the guilt from
within them. This happens because most
attempts to eliminate guilt target BOTH
the healthy and neurotic versions, and
because these attempts do not replace
healthy guilt with a more benevolent
entity intended to serve the same functions
that guilt evolved to serve..
In fact, paradoxically, when we attempt
to eradicate guilt completely, we actually
wind up feeling MORE intense, inappropriate
guilt than we started with.
During the 1900s (and especially during
the 1960s humanistic movement), there
was a lot of emphasis on relieving the
burdens of excessive guilt, particularly
surrounding s.xu.l feelings, but also
regarding money and other forms of self
satisfaction (e.g. food). The intensity of the
efforts in Western culture to accomplish this
was, in part, a reaction to the strong
repressive philosophies of the Victorian era.
But, while most of us would NOT want
to return to the strict Victorian repressions,
we all know intuitively that in the complete
absence of society, we would live in a
primitive state of nature in which only brute
force would rule. Human rights,
specialization of the work force, the concept
of personal property... all benefits of living
cooperatively in a community... would fade
away, yielding to a chaotic world where
"might makes right."
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *
HAVE YOU LOOKD YET???
"Conversational hypnosis will greatly
enhance your ability to use body language!"
http://www.AllAboutBodyLanguage.com/BLIANC.php* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *
To avoid this outcome, all societies have
based themselves upon a system of rules
and morals. Most of us, desiring to
participate in society, have learned to feel
a sense of psychological discomfort when
we perceive we are not acting consistently
within them.
However, there is more to guilt than
societal pressures. We also create guilt
on an individual level, as we are prone
to set goals for ourselves and then want
to see our behavior consistent with our
desire to accomplish these goals. If we
observe our behavior to be moving us
in a contrary direction, we feel upset
with ourselves. We experience a sense
of guilt, not because we have broken
the rules of society, but because
we have let ourselves down.
Of course it is a serious problem
when our guilt mechanism fires too
intensely or too frequently. But it would
be a more serious problem if it were
to not fire at all. The goal then, for
psychological well being, to achieve
our goals, and to function as a
cooperative society is to be able to
distinguish between appropriate
healthy guilt and guilt which is
inappropriately triggered or too harsh
for a given set of circumstances.
Appropriate Guilt
Guilt functions to bring a specific
behavior back into alignment with
either our INDIVIDUAL goals or with
the goals of a group of people with
whom we wish to identify ourselves.
Once the behavior has been brought
back into alignment, the guilt should
disappear. There's no purpose in
continuing to feel guilty once we've
corrected a mistake. Of course, we can
REMEMBER that should we happen to
make the mistake again in the future,
we will likely feel guilty again ... but
after correcting our behavior, the
sensation of guilt itself should leave
us, and our energies should be freed
to work towards more constructive goals.
For example, this afternoon as I
was very involved in writing this letter,
I neglected to take my dog Zachary out
for his afternoon walk at the appropriate
time. About an hour past his normal
walk time I realized what had happened.
I felt moderately guilty about this neglect,
so I ran upstairs and took him out. (I
gave him an extra few minutes and a
big hug, too). When I came downstairs
to return to my writing, I set an alarm
on my computer for each day during
the rest of the week in order to be
sure I would remember, since it
seems that time passes ever so
quickly when I am composing a note.
After I had walked him and the
alarms were set, I was able to let
go of the guilt that I felt.
The only point of healthy guilt is to
help us accomplish goals we wish to
accomplish, behave in the manner in
which we wish to behave and protect
other people's right to strive towards
their own goals in the context of our
society.
If I had continued to berate myself
about being a neglectful dog-dad or
found it difficult to concentrate or felt
an uncommon urge to make it up to
Zach by taking him to the dog park
every day this week ... that would
have been neurotic and unhealthy
guilt.
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *
HAVE YOU LOOKD YET???
"Conversational hypnosis will greatly
enhance your ability to use body language!"
http://www.AllAboutBodyLanguage.com/BLIANC.php* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *
The characteristics to remember
about normal, healthy guilt is that it
is (1) goal oriented (intended to help
the individual either function in his social
group OR to live up to his or her
own goals) (2) focused on specific
behaviors and (3) able to be dissolved
once a problem behavior has changed.
Unhealthy guilt lacks one or more of
these characteristics. It is (1) often
present without any specific goals
(2) focused upon a person's character
or entire sense of self (a "shaming"
internal presence) (3) triggered by
irrelevant events or thoughts and (4) has
a nasty tendency to persist regardless
of what actions we take to bring ourselves
in line with its expectations.
When unhealthy guilt is experienced
regularly, people begin to feel as if
there is something intrinsically bad
about them, almost as if they had
a blemish on their soul.
Unhealthy guilt leaves a strong mark
too on our body language, and hampers
our ability to use it effectively! Make
a practice of (1) sensitizing yourself to
guilty feelings; (2) regularly examining
them in order to determine whether they
are healthy or neurotic, and take the
appropriate actions to relieve guilt in
either case!
Hope this helps!
All My Best,
Jason Bodmarken
Interface Research Inc.
PS - The main body language book is here:
http://www.allaboutbodylanguage.com/BLIANM.php